I’m feeling pretty useless tonight. As if everything I have been working try and prove that men can be raped is a battle I cannot win, let alone a war I can conquer. How can I when people like Trever Noah, a very good, kind, intelligent, funny, and wholesome individual can make a joke that perpetuates the belief that men can’t be raped. Not only that, he says those exact words, leaving no amount of possible implication. And all of this during a stand-up routine about breaking taboos. God! What the fuck am I doing? Maybe everyone else is right and I’m wrong. Maybe I could have fought off the sexual abuse. If I didn’t want it then my body would not have gotten aroused, right? I wish I knew. I know the facts, but it’s so hard to believe them when the society makes fun of my pain and believe it is an impossibility. The thing that I also can’t stop thinking about is that if Trever Noah believes this, then what about the other people I know. Family, friends, individuals I speak with on the subject, do they believe the same thing? Are they just “smiling and nodding” waiting for me to shut up so they get their turn to speak? Why am I doing this? I know why I do this, but why am I doing this when I know where it leads; nowhere. I know these are just self-doubts. I know I make a difference. I have been told so by other survivors, but hearing this just makes me question the whole damn thing.


1 thought on “Streamofconsciousness”

  1. Once during Marine Combat Training our platoon leader was upset because we were not working as hard as we should. He ran us three miles down the road to the side of this huge mud hill. He told us our day will not be completed until all of us made it to the top… It was a muddy mess as it was raining… As you ran the ground was so soft you would slide back… At some point we started to dig our hands and feet into the mud to secure our footing… Once some of us made it to the top we encouraged those to continue to fight their way up. Some did will other spent too much energy already and continue to slide down the hill. We formed a rope with our shirt and helped the rest up. I say all this to explain… There are some of us that have to lead to show others it can be done. There are other that once they see it can be done they will visualize it and complete it… Then there are those that need support to make it all the way to the top. But together we make it… Taking the lead is frustrating and in many ways it selfless. You have to take the hits so those who follow don’t have too. You are in a place were emotionally you can take the hits… And I thank you for you work… But don’t forget you are not by yourself. If you need encouragement some days that’s okay, and if you need that rope made of shirts that is okay too… It’s just not okay to quite.

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