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I Was Dead

Saving?

Batman 12

 

I don’t need saving!

You need saving!

Batman 5

Where were you at midnight with the screams and shadows? The ones he can’t forget. The impossibility of brother defeating father, resulting in a broken home.

 

Where you there in the rain?

 

Which time?

 

The time in the car where all he could see was the gleaming of red, yellow and green stop lights, the weight of the bag on his lap, and the pressure of siblings on either side. He wasn’t supposed to remember reaching Landmark and the defeat of his mother as she realized she had no options.

 

He does.

 

Or are you referring to the rain on his face and sweat in his shoes as he ran to Pat’s house to escape the dinner table. The conversation. The talk of divorce.

 

They always leave.

 

Either way, you weren’t there!

 

Where you there when he learned to trust no one, over, and over, and over again.

Batman 13Batman 14

I’m not coming back home. I’m going to stay here at auntie’s house and then go to college down south.

 

Just do what they do in the movie. Like this. What we did was wrong and it never happened. I’m going to school down south. Remember to get your haircut every two weeks. I’m not going to therapy with you. Pack your bag, we’re leaving. I’m sorry, but they’re taking the house. Forget about it, there’s nothing you can do. It’s in the past. Forgive and forget. I’m leaving to go live down south. He’ll be alright. Don’t be a statistic.

 

No, you weren’t there. I was there, teaching him to control every situation. It’s the only way to survive, adapt. To get out!

 

Listen to what they say and watch the way they move to figure out what they think. It’s the only way to plan for the worst.

 

Run. Don’t think. Just run. Move. Escape. Do whatever you can. If you stop moving you’ll die.

Batman 6 

What can you do? Help? Save me? How?

Batman 8

How can you save me – because I won’t be able to stop them.

Batman 9

I can’t…

Batman 10

There’s nothing I can do!

Batman 11

I’ll die and he’ll be left alone. He needs me to survive. He needs me.

 

I need him to survive.

 

 

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Martyr

Batman 18

May times, this is how I feel. As if I’m standing on top of a renegade plane attempting to steer from a tethered strap on my belt. As the entire world races by, appearing to be in chaos, all I can do is hold on for dear life.

On the outside, I appear calm. And I should have it all together, right? I’m a man! I’m not allowed to feel fear, right? I’m not allowed to cry, love, or show any emotion besides happiness and anger, right? If I’m supposed to be Batman, if I’m supposed to be strong, intelligent, and calm, why do I have so much anxiety? Is this normal? Am I allowed to ask these questions, or does this make me less of a man?

From below, the world sees a man standing on top of a flaming airplane with reassurance that he has it all together when, in fact, he feels like an eight-year-old boy afraid to see what may appear on the other side of the approaching buildings.

So, what do I do? I hold on.

I sacrifice my mental health and well-being.

I scream, pray, and ask, “Is this a good death?”

I pray for impact. To give up. For it all to come crashing down and end. At least then I won’t feel afraid anymore.

I won’t feel like a failure.

In an attempt to kill my Batman, I become a martyr. I say to myself, “No one else will do it, so I will. I’m special!” I feel the glow and joy of accomplishment at succeeding where others failed. I feel superior, while faining humility. I say to myself, “I don’t expect them to do it! I can take more abuse because I was abused. I’m damaged goods, they aren’t. I was homeless, they weren’t. I hate myself, they don’t”

Arrogance transforms into spite, becoming hatred at being the person who always has to save the day. To carry the burden on my shoulders that no one asked me carry.

This won’t work.

I can’t kill my Batman through being a martyr. He has to become a survivor. I have to save him.

How?

Hero Vs. Survivor

How do you kill a hero?

Batman 10

A true hero.

 

A hero who has always been there to you – keeping you safe when no one else would put in the effort to give a damn.

Batman 12

A hero you love.

Batman 13

Will always love.

Batman 14

A hero who is not perfect, but one you believe you deserve.

Batman 15

A hero who must die so that you, the survivor, can live.

 

Bullets deflect –

Blades never seem to penetrate deep enough.

 

Like a ghost, the hero always rises – to save you.

 

The hero knows more. Gathering information, piecing together clues you ignore to prepare for…

 

Panic!

Anxiety!

 

The hero remains calm. To him, it’s the same story different day. He’s been preparing, training since childhood. Since…the bad thing.

 

Batman 8

Preparing so you would not have to. So you could stay.

Batman 1

Remain –

Batman 2

a child.

Batman 3

Waiting to be saved.

 

But who saves the hero?

Does he need saving?

Does he deserve saving?

Or does he deserve to die –

A good death?

Batman 16

An honorable death?

Batman 17

So that you, the survivor, can live…

Batman 18

And learn to save yourself.